Jose-Embraced

 I decided at some point in high school that God was not real, and if He was, He was not worth following. For one, He didn’t keep promises. Growing up, the name of Jesus was never mentioned but I was told often that if I were a good person that “god” would bless me. Soon after that my parents were divorced, and my family became broken. My siblings and I lived with our mom, and during this time it was hard to know if she loved us by living a life of drinking and partying.

I moved in with my dad in the fifth grade and stayed with him until graduation. Throughout my high school years, I saw my friends who said they followed Jesus live a life contrary to their declaration through drinking, partying, and sleeping around. I didn’t live that kind of life and was deemed a “good guy”, so whatever “god” they followed I decided wasn’t worth following because I was already living a better life than they were. Moreover, having a mother-shaped hole in my heart, I tried to fill it with relationships and other things which led to a lot of heartbreak, sorrow, bitterness, and hardness of heart.

I carried my beliefs about God with me into my freshman year at UTSA. I had just moved into Chisholm Hall and I met a Chi Alpha small group leader. My first conversation with him was the most intentional conversation I had ever had. He invited me to his small group bible study and, although hesitant at first, I decided to go for I saw the care he had for me. As I spent time with him, I saw that he lived what he declared. I saw that you could follow Jesus and have victory over the sin in your life. My small group leader got me a Bible that I could call my own and I began to intentionally seek the Lord.

It was at Breakaway 2015 during the alter call that the Lord gave me a vision. I was in what was the likeness of a white room. And there was Jesus fresh from His scourging, bloodied and beaten. I was confused, asking Him what He wanted. He simply motioned me forward and embraced me. I then proceeded to cry on His shoulder. In that moment I felt the love of Jesus and it filled my heart. All the hurt, bitterness, and wrong views of God I carried melted away. It was never about Heaven or fear of hell. I knew that Jesus was real, that He loved me, and that I wanted to remain in that love. I remember saying “Okay Jesus, I will follow You.” Four years later, I’m grateful that Jesus has always reminded me of this simple truth: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8). And since He’s infinite, I get to draw near to Him for the rest of my life, and He will draw near to me for the rest of my life. Thank You Jesus for being so kind.