Kiersty- Grateful

I grew up in a family of believers with my grandparents being missionaries in Nepal. My dad and mom got divorced when I was six and we stopped going to church for a little bit because of the mess that was happening in our lives. We still would pray at night and before dinner, and my family still believed in the Gospel and power of Jesus. But now, there was a lot of sin and hurt covering it. 

I was the type of kid who never wanted to get in trouble so I grew up being told I was a good kid. I could recite pretty much any story from the Bible and could tell you all the correct church answers for everyone to think I was doing great and not hurting inside.

As I got older, I led vacation Bible School and other church camps sharing the Gospel, and I felt the presence of God, but I hadn't really in my heart understood that I was the one who, at the root, was wicked and sinful. I knew to say "yes we are all sinners and Jesus died for you so you should live for Him", but I didn't have a real, personal relationship with Jesus until I had a heart click that I WAS THE WICKED ONE separated from God.  

There weren’t any surface level sins that people could see looking at my life. But there was lots of lust, pride, and hate. Throughout middle school I had the worst view of myself. I never hated anyone, but I absolutely hated myself, everything about me. I couldn't tell you one good thing about myself. I would sit there on the bus thinking and hoping the Lord would cause a car accident and only kill me. This was pride; later to find out that bashing yourself does not make you humble, it is still a self centered view that is prideful. 

A couple years later I got into a serious relationship with this guy that my family thought I would marry some day. So those hidden sins that were in my thought life became open in this relationship. I started to justify my sins with "oh one day we will get married, so it's okay". But a year and a half later, we broke up. I was destroyed. I didn't know where else to turn so I opened up my Bible and just started reading everyday. Finally understanding that repentance is crucial, it's not enough to just believe in Jesus, I needed to repent too. I finally started to have a relationship with the God that I said I loved all my life.  

In a matter of weeks, the Lord restored the way I saw myself with the way that He always intended and how He sees me. I finally didn't hate myself; I finally had a real relationship with the One who made me, the One whom I had known OF my whole life. 

This restoration happened the summer before I came to college. And coming in to college, I knew this was what I wanted and I got connected to Chi Alpha. The Lord has continued to teach me so many things, and my relationship has grown sweeter and deeper ever since. I'm so grateful for the heart click that happened, and for the heartbreak that led to a dependence on God. 

I heard in a sermon a while ago that heaven and hell are just 13 inch's apart. It's the distance between your head and your heart. And I can 100% say that knowing of God is nothing compared to actually knowing God.