Hannah-Closer

“The heart which has no agenda but God's is the heart at leisure from itself. Its emptiness is filled with the Love of God.” This quote by Elisabeth Elliot has greatly helped shape my walk with God. I grew up in a home with parents that modeled so well what it looked like to prioritize and spend time with Jesus. Because I saw the relaxed and encouraging relationship my parents had with Jesus, I craved that for myself. To be near to Jesus, the King, our Savior who had saved us from sin and selfishness felt like the greatest thing I could do with my life. When I was only 6 years old, not really knowing what a life surrendered to Jesus would look like, I gave my life to Him. Two years later my family and I moved to Texas to plant a church; we moved here solely because the Lord had called my Dad here.

Despite being raised in a home full of love, peace, and assurance there was something insatiable that began to grow in me during my middle school and high school years. An unhealthy need and want to please everyone and anyone around me. Suddenly what people thought and perceived of me became more important than intimacy with God. Before I knew it, a switch in me turned on, that works and accomplishments and “talking the talk” would heighten God’s view of me. When in reality there is nothing I did to even make Him start loving me in the first place. It got to the point where I read the Bible just because I knew it was expected of me and went to church because my dad was the Pastor and “what would people think if I wasn’t there?” Then early on in high school something happened- I denied God to my peers. After this happened The Lord began to convict me of the way I was living but I did nothing to act on it. I thought that just because I wasn't living in what I considered sin didn’t mean I was right with God. Just because I knew the answer to just about any question during church didn’t mean my heart was close to the Father’s or that my mind was thinking thoughts of Him. A few weeks later during a church service I clearly remember for the first time in my life feeling the presence of God for myself. Despite living in a way that I knew wasn’t pleasing to God, I remember thinking “yet He would still grace me with his presence? What a loving Father.” I again, feeling conviction from The Holy Spirit, decided to act on it. At the end of the service, not caring what people thought of me, I went to the altar with a heart full of sorrow confessing my sins to the Lord. In my brokenness, He was faithful to come alongside me and comfort me yet again. I went and confessed what was stirring in my heart to those who cared about me most, my parents. Through tears and the realization of my sin the Lord brought reconciliation back into my life.

Slowly I started to fall back in love with Jesus. That closeness and longing to be close to Him that I felt as a child began to came back. I began reading the bible with the sole purpose of knowing Him better. As I started having a devotional life I started learning core truths about the character and nature of God. I started reading books that magnified what the word of God was already saying. I started making friends and got plugged into a community of believers who chased after God and His will with such fervor and passion it was contagious. Being in a small group really helped me see how God just wants to be our friend. How He longs to be with us and to know us. This is shown through Godly friendships who unselfishly choose our highest interest and love without contingency. Though it’s only been 6 years of walking with Jesus the way I ought, to it’s been the greatest adventure I’ve ever been invited to go on. And that’s what a relationship with Jesus is, an adventure that is infinite and exciting but also full of peace and comfort.